Last night as I was talking to my sister on the back step, she looked at her black Lab, Tucker, sprawled out on the lawn, and said, “Sometimes I wish I could just trade places with him for a day.” I wonder what that would be like. So let’s play, “Let’s Pretend.”
If I changed places with Tucker, I’d wake up early, ready to go outside. Would I be able to squat in the yard and do what comes naturally for Tucker? It might take some circling to get up my nerve. Then I’d gallop back upstairs for breakfast. What? This same old stuff again? And there’s a hair in my water! Oh, well, it’s probably one of mine.
Look at that. She’s brushing her teeth. That minty toothpaste looks good. What do I get? A rawhide bone to chew on. Dang, this thing is tasteless! And my paws are worthless to really hold stuff well. No opposable thumbs! Oh, well, it’s good that I have lots of time to concentrate on gnawing … Oh! Time to go! I get to go down to Grandma’s for the day. No kennel for me!
Grandma’s always happy to see me; she talks to me; she spoils me like all of her other grandchildren. Sometimes I just can’t resist terrorizing her little white furry four-legged human. She talks to Abby, too. I can’t believe this! Abby gets human food. Grandma cooks for her! Well, OK, it’s tasteless rice, but dang?! She gets to eat in Grandma’s bedroom, too! And I have to be satisfied with more of that same stuff I get upstairs. Eh, it’s OK, I guess.
I’ve only had a little of Abby’s food, when she wasn’t quick enough to gobble it all down. She’s such a prima donna. She sits on the back of the couch and looks out the window. Grandma always makes sure the shades are up so we can see better. Sometimes I’ll check and see what’s out there, but Abby keeps a pretty good watch. Gotta give her that.
We have separate dishes, and still we drink from each other’s water dish. It just depends on whose dish is fuller.Â I get to go outside two different ways. Sometimes it’s the back yard, where I can run around without a leash. Other times it’s the front yard, and Grandma’s got me tethered up so I don’t get distracted and wander off.
Dang! There’s that rotten yellow Lab across the street, running free again! I am going to teach that mutt a lesson. He’s not going to come over here and worm his way into Grandma’s affections. Cough, cough. Whoa. Who knew barking was so hard on the throat? How do some dogs do it all day long?
Ah, nap time. I’m still a growing boy, so I nap a lot. Sometimes I walk a little uncoordinated, but that carpet is hard on my pads and my legs are growing. Grandma’s carpeting is still pretty good for spreading out. Wait a minute! What is that smell? Oh, yeah, I had an accident. Grandma doesn’t know about that one. When Mom shampoos the carpet again, she’ll find it.
OK, I’m tired of sleeping. Here’s that bone I’ve been working on. Hey! What’s the furball got? Is is the same as mine? I don’t think so! I’m going to take it away. I just have to distract her by chewing on her ears. Man, what a mouthful of hair! Oooh, she’s cranky today. Abby snarled at me, but it’s hard to take her seriously. How many teeth does she have?
Finally, it’s supper time. I’ve harassed the furball, barked at the yellow Lab, chased the furball down the hallway, and taken a couple of naps. My humans should be home soon. Yes! There she is! She looks tired. Ah, but she knows where I like to be scratched — right there, under that lousy collar with the noisy jewelry hanging from it.
Yeah, getting that tag wasn’t fun. I had to get a shot! Those people in the white lab coats talked nice to me, but then they hefted me onto a stainless steel table. I couldn’t get any traction on that surface. And it was cold, too. Their waiting room really stunk. There were more furballs out there than I could count. Some of them even had teeth and claws.
Wow, whatever those humans have on the table really smells good. I wonder if I could get a peek. Ooops. Nope, I guess that’s a no-no, judging by their reaction. Eh, maybe some of it will appear in my dish at some point tonight. I’ll have to keep checking it. Oh, man, that little white furball is whining about me hanging out under the table. Look, there are two sides to this table, and we can each have one.
I wonder if I’ll get to go for a walk. Eh, it’s really hot outside today. Grandma’s air conditioner make life easier indoors, but I still have to wear this fur coat outside to use the facilities. Last night it was just nice to sprawl out on the lawn and take it easy. The grass was nice and cool, even though the ground is a little bumpy. Mom sat out on the bench outside and just kept looking at me, smiling.